Comme des ordures – “Like Garbage”

via Daily Prompt: Caper

Dear Body: 
I’m sorry I pushed you harder and further than you were ready for. Your vulnerability, and honesty was met with harshness. And later, insecurity, emptiness, and pain. Your dancing has dissipated, your despair ever present.
Instead of protecting you and treating you like the fierce violet feather that you are, I assumed a more passive role letting the world take you on and forgetting to advocate for you. I took you for granted. You were and are more delicate than a bud in the springtime. In bloom you are growing and need more nourishment, than I could supply. Hastily I threw you into the arms of another without a second thought: Were they better or worse for you than I was? These realizations, far too late cannot make up for the way you took scars, swallowed smoke, coughed down self-medicated injustice and toxins.
I only have one of you, yet I treat you as dispensable, second-hand – comme des ordures .

Commit

via Daily Prompt: Commit

If now is not a good time in your life, don’t quit.

If your smoking addiction is not something that you seriously wish to change, just tell me.
I’ve been told by too many people that they will quit.
They haven’t.
And I always wonder, did they ever mean what they said?
Were they just telling me what I wanted to hear?
Are they more scared of the challenge, the relapses, the cravings, the withdrawal, the change
Than the fact that:
Their tiny alveoli are rupturing
Causing a slow and consistent death
of the human life that I love.
I would rather see you try and fail, than take you to chest X-rays for your wheezing;
Chemotherapy for the possible lung cancer that I imagine spreading like wild fire
And taking you away from me
I’m not saying I wouldn’t be there, that your family, your friends would not be there
I’m saying we don’t want it to get there.
Xoxo, Micaela

Notorious

via Daily Prompt: Notorious

Sunday morning I wake up
You’re beside me breathing heavy
The world around me is too large
I am probably the fifth lover this week
Sighing loudly I swing my legs over the bedside

A whish of gentle breeze caresses my bare legs
Like when you have half of your windows open in the car
All on the right side
The wind whips hair in your face
Thousands of strands of baby ropes
Kissing your cheeks gracefully
Unlike the feeling of your mouth on mine

Monday morning I wake up
You’re beside me stirring slowly
The creaking of the house reminds me
We have been together too long
But I thought I was your first real love
But I thought removing the ring on my finger
Would be easier

In the moment of panicked thoughts
I take it off confidently
Hesitation consumes me
And as I attempt to throw the jewelry out the window
It lands in the gutters
The ones you promised to clean months ago
Years maybe
Season have changed
Too quickly

Wednesday morning I wake up
You’re no where to be seen
The dewy grass has soaked my garments thoroughly
A smile creeps upon my face
Like the anticipation of a two year old child
Crouching low to jump off a curb
The leap is small
The effort is great

Looking to the forlorn sky
I whisper to the heavens
Is this reality?
How did I get here?

Catatonic I rise
A cacophony of guttural sounds
Leave my lips
Unrecognizable to my own consciousness

Saturday morning I wake up
You’re beside me again wearing a devilish grin
I’ve fallen back into a hole
Coward that I am, I sit absolutely still

Suddenly I look at you
Really look at you
Your notorious personality
The one I’ve seen for 15 years
Strikes a nerve
My body jolts
I can’t help but scream aloud

I run for the door
You’re too quick
My body tumbles to the floor

If you made it to the end of that piece – you’re such a trooper! I applaud and thank you for joining me into the depths of my mind and thoughts this morning. I wanted to challenge myself by continuously writing for 15 minutes and refrain from editing.

Image result for writing exercise tumblr art

This piece is little more than an exercise for myself and a remind to you, dear readers to channel your creative insides every once in awhile. I hope to continue this with random prompts given by WordPress. I hope you enjoyed or got something out of this. If you did, please let me know!!

 

On Breakups

Breakups

 

Writing final papers, studying for finals by memorizing content you’ll never use again is difficult. On top of that, I’ve been so busy wrapping up my life here in Vancouver, that any time for myself and growth in my faith is a challenge. Seemingly out of no where, feelings of my breakup from the fall engulfed me like a tidal wave. It felt so random, so uncalled for and it was so frustrating that I just had to write it down.

I hope you’re able to relate to unwanted feelings knocking you down in the midst of a busy life. Unexpected triggers that make you stop for a few hours, re-evaluate and come out stronger.

Admittedly, coffee has gotten me through the last couple days of appointments, a driver’s test, goodbyes to family and friends and countless hours of studying and writing papers. I cannot wait for April to end.

 

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On Breakups:

Like a storm crashing through
Farmland, coastline and cities
The end was bitter
Little was sweet
I no longer have appetite
I cannot eat

Pleasure reversed
Bottles of liquid gold dispersed
Flowers are wilting, keys rusting away
Clothes fitting loosely as I rot –decay
My mind is no sharper than
Unraveling thread
My body is screaming
Cells are dying, heart beating – undead

Validation in darkness
As thoughts blacken with breath
Light evading
Want unending
To be the one you used to know
To be one that loved you so

Xoxo, Micaela

Lead Me to the Cross

This piece just sort of poured out today and I thought I would share it with all you lovely people 🙂 I have been struggling in my faith for a long time, but I am working my way back to where I need to be. For all of you who are afraid or feel like no one really cares, I can assure you that HE does!

Happy Easter ❤ Jamie


Lead Me to the Cross
I have been drifting for a long time-I let the current pull me deeper and deeper
I can’t breathe, I haven’t breathed in a long time
All of a sudden it comes rushing back, light brighter and more beautiful than the dawn
A light that penetrates down to the very depths of my soul
I feel loved, that great Love by which we are saved
We
Are
Saved
I am saved
It’s a gift that I forget, I feel shame creep over me
My eyes fill and my heart aches
The one thing that can fill it is distant
Distant because I pulled away
Pulled away because I am afraid, I am overwhelmed
When I feel it, I am afraid to lose it
It never stays, but that is not because of Him
It is because of me
I miss the light, when the darkness swirls around me I can still feel Him
Hear Him
“I will never let you drown”
And I never have
Thank you never feels like enough, but today of all days I will say it
Without ceasing
Because there is a Love that is older than time
Older than fear, hate, and war
Stronger than my fears, stronger than the darkness that moves against us
And it is a Love that is always there
Always waiting, always reaching
Awake my soul
Give me the strength to be who You intended me to be
And thank you
Thank you for never giving up on me

 

 

 

Open Thank You

Thank you

Open Thank You

When I wanted to give up, you were the ones that pushed me to turn to my Father
Instead of self-destruction
Instead of self-absorption
Failure
Temptation
Being alone

I will admit it wasn’t easy convincing me that He would be worth leaving
Comfort of distractions
It wasn’t easy referring to His word when I already had countless readings to finish
Text without faith is nothing
Prayer without desire
Meaningless
Empty

It always comes back to negative thoughts and critics of myself
You’re not working hard enough
You haven’t done enough
There’s others that are stronger candidates, stronger speakers,
Simply stronger

You’ve gained weight, given up on meal planning
You’ve spent too much time focusing on yourself
Instead of giving
You’re grasping materials and relationships too tightly
You’re relying on opinions of others
To determine your value
In society

But how dare you think you’re imperfect in the eyes of our God.
He made you wonderful
He made you powerful in your own ways
He holds you gently and knows your weakness, but turns them into learning Opportunities
Blessings
Realizations
Life shaping experiences

Without the people given so graciously by my Father,
Where would I stand?
How would I stand?
I fear to admit that I would not stand
For his goodness has been boundless
Free
For his love has been countless
Vast

In the past few months I’ve lost a lot of people and materials I held close to my heart
In the past few months, I’ve doubted my worth, my work ethic, and my ability to have open-mindedness
In the past few months, I’ve gained new friends, and the courage to accept a job far from my new support systems
In the past few months, I’ve challenged myself in ways that push me out of my comfort, relying and trusting that as He works in my life, He will not leave my side

I want to thank the people he’s placed so delicately in my life
Thank them for believing in me when I couldn’t
Thank them for drawing me into His word
Thank them for giving me quiet time to build my hope in Jesus
Thank them for showing kindness as opposed to judgment
You listened
You cared
You inspired
Thank you.

 

Xoxo, Micaela

You Will

You Will

You will learn, dear one
That vulnerability comes at a cost
That giving your heart away means you
May never get it back
Take courage
Be cautiously open
Start from the ground up

Twinkling stars shine bright, young one
Little are they but burning portions
In outer galactic atmosphere
They may glitter
They may sparkle
But everything loses its luster
Its magic, once known
Makes it less great

You will learn, my love
That independence is a blessing and a curse
That freedom of choice is magnificent
That loneliness has a taste and a look
And that taste is
Similar to ramen noodles
Or poorly cooked vegetables
And that look is
A fire ignited within a tornado
Heat and flames
Amid strong winds
Chasing what they cannot
Have

In the ground lay roots
Dead roots from flowers that froze
Winter snuffed the weak
Others, are roots alive and well
With strong branching formations
Networks of depth
Of width

Honey,
Expand your little leaves towards the sun
Soak in nutrients
So you are not overcome
When spring rain falls
Drink it in
You will learn to take things as they come
Instead of dreaming
Hoping
Wishing
Provide for yourself.

You will learn that your brothers and sisters
May try to trample you
Soften your spirit
Harden your shell
Be patient
Gentle
Not all that is
Evil
Intends to be.

 

Xoxo, Micaela

I Will Not Trade Them: Reflections of a Soon To Be University Grad

Jamie

❤ Jamie

Four years, three schools

They caught my heart, enriched my mind

The emotions run fast and clear like a waterfall, everything shimmers

My memories, your beauty astounds me as you flood past, drawing me in like the tide

Friends lost, made; hearts broken and healed

Passion found

There’s a moment, indescribable, when your eyes are transfixed

By a thought or image that catches you by surprise, that opens your eyes

By a person who’s changed what you see

How you see

Words fail me, they often do, there’s a wellspring underneath it all that won’t burst

Four years of memories bounding across

I wish I’d had a camera for every moment, every smile

Every inspiration

But photographs lie, they depict the no more-it’s their beauty, it’s their power

Their power over me

I wish I’d paid more attention, do I remember what I’ve learned? Was it worth something?

But then names, stories fly past clearer than daylight and I know that I paid attention when it mattered

It’s useless, some say

English is useless

No.

It is the world, the feelings and hopes and dreams of countless generations

It is discovery, guesswork, creation and invention-dynamic and fluid, never interpreted the same way twice.

It is the idea that we can’t go on but we will, an unravelling of the human mind in all of its complexity

Without it would I know empathy, compassion, endurance?

Don’t tell me it’s useless, you have not seen what I’ve seen

I’ve become a poet, a detective, an author, a listener

A believer

These faces have changed me and I love them

I would not trade them

I will not trade them

Four years

So much more than a chalkboard and lines on a page

I became who I am

In four years

Farewell

For anyone who’s ever felt fear in the face of change

❤ Jamie

 

Farewell is the hardest word to say

It cuts through my heart like a razorblade, it leaves my lips only with resistance that leaves me

Breathless

Fare-thee-well, it is not such a sad phrase, wishing for goodness and good luck for those that we have loved

Those we HAVE loved

When your heart is open, it is vulnerable, you feel naked

But how else can I live? How else can I exist but with my arms spread wide ready to welcome all these beautiful things in this world?

My beautiful memories, I hold onto you so desperately, I want you to stay

I want you to say, but you’re gone

You’re already gone

You’re a moment that has passed out of reality, the reality is now so different, the reality has changed.

Farewell my childhood, the years of innocence spread out like the warmth of daylight

Farewell years of trial that make me shrink and feel small

Farewell to the years that made me who I am. To the people that made me who I am

I will never see you again, I must forget your faces

I don’t recognize you anymore, I see twisted shapes and people that stare at me expectantly

What do they expect? What can I give them? I cannot give them anything anymore.

But when I go back, your faces are no longer disfigured. They are true and beautiful and they remind me of who I am

Farewell, my darlings. Farewell to safety, to limits, to cages masquerading as doors wide open

I say farewell, but as I do you’re closer than you’ve ever been before. You’re more real than you ever were. You’re more beautiful for me having said farewell.

When I say farewell, you become real because you are no longer my limit. You are my strength.